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Mourning Natalya

Yesterday, we had a school worship service. The whole process lasted the entire day—from before I arrived at 8 am until 5 pm, when important guests arrived for dinner. So I was at school for nearly 12 hours. I’m starting to understand that what causes most of my difficulties now is that the childhood torture … Continue reading

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The burning house

For a long time, I have had the sense of my family of origin being something like a family in a burning house. Only I survived. The others remained trapped. My father was the fire. My mother was very, very ill psychologically. Although I can’t know exactly what her diagnoses would be now, it seems … Continue reading

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Riding feelings

I have tried “doing things” about my feelings. I had a therapist once who used to say, “How can you soothe yourself?” And another who said, “How can you take care of yourself?” I have tried talking about them, which sometimes helps but generally creates other intense feelings to sort out. I have tried analyzing … Continue reading

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Don’t cling

At the moment, I feel contented, relaxed, at ease. I don’t have that feeling too much. Most of life for me is confusing, and life is especially confusing here in Country X. Many times, my feelings are very intense and hard to manage. I’m starting to realize something about these rare moments of contentment: They … Continue reading